Hook, Line and Sinker Blogfest Entry: Cleaner Than Spotless
I had such a great time with Roh’s Snowfest blogfest, that I thought I’d go ahead and enter another one! J.W. Parente is holding a “Hook, Line & Sinker” blogfest at his In My Write Mind writing blog.
Here is my entry, coming in at a brisk 541 words:
Cleaner Than Spotless
written by Rob Lopez
Circa 2150, Locus Jersey 3:00 AM
Jovey CR-1477 was designed by Doctor Aryo Cardeñas to clean up after any unfortunate accidents in which the family was involved. Currently, the family in particular was Milas and Sargento Cardeñas, and they had “accidentally” blown away Thander McThewlis and Ednard O’Grady, two enforcers from the McThewlis gang who were trying to lean on Mister Benavedes, the manager of one of the Cardeñas money laundering fronts. The Cardeñas cousins had tried to play it cool, but O’Grady red-flagged on Milas’ See-All® optical display visor and he felt he had no choice but to fire upon them before being fired upon. When the explosive and brief firefight was done, Sargento put the call in to his Uncle Aryo to “send the machine cleaner.”
Jovey crouched amidst the carnage and sighed. “Boys, boys, boys. Have you ever thought of investing in stun guns?” His voice, though electronic, was drenched with disapproval.
Milas’ MAG-N7 .50 Caliber Heavy Pistol had scattered O’Grady’s flesh, blood and bones across the interior of the Benavedes living room, and rent his limbs and head from his body. Sargento’s UZ Machine Pistol, by comparison, kept McThewlis’ body intact, but riddled it with holes and had sprayed a fine mist of his skin and blood cells over the furniture, walls, ceiling and décor. Then there were all the shell casings, shattered glass and holes in the walls.
“Stun gun’s gotta penetrate. Even a raincoat can come thick enough to insulate. And who knew these bozos wouldn’t even be wearing plex? Anyone in their right mind in this business doesn’t walk the streets without wearing plex.” Milas’ heart rate was accelerated, he was perspiring and he wouldn’t stand still. He kept looking at his netwatch for local police alerts.
Jovey pulled a couple body bags from one of the cartridges around his waist, unfurled them, then rose and put himself in front of Milas. He extended a segmented finger and shifted his compound eyes from blue to red for emphasis: “Listen to me, Lieutenant Milas. You did good here. You did what you had to do to protect Mister Benavedes, his family and yours. It is just a little sloppy, so what? The job is done. Now all we have to do is clean it up. You get the big stuff, I get the microscopic. Are we copasetic?”
Milas ground his jaw and started to raise his wrist to glance at his netwatch.
“Communications have been intercepted and teams have been dispatched throughout the city to provide diversions. We should have at least an hour to do this. We copasetic?” He tilted his head towards Milas, pulsing his red compound eyes.
“Yeah. Yeah, we’re copasetic, Jovey.”
Jovey turned to Sargento, who was biting the knuckle of his index finger. He caught his eyes and nodded. “Copasetic.”
“Good.” Jovey handed Sargento a credrod. “Give this to Mister Benavedes and send him and his family to the Lux hotel in Atlanta. All expenses paid. Compliments of the family Cardeñas. If anyone asks, if anyone presses, he can tell them there was an infestation and he is having the house fumigated.”
Here are the details about the Blogfest, from J.W.’s blog:
The prize of the blogfest will be a $15 Amazon gift card. I’d like to think everyone has switched over to a Kindle (because it’s what all the cool kids are doing…), but the gift card should sate any reader’s addiction.
You can receive up to 3 points for the blogfest. Here’s how:
All points will be randomized into a number generator at the close of the blogfest.
To refresh from the previous post, here is the criteria to submit:
Suggestive topics to consider when critiquing:
- Does the character have a personality I can fall into easily? This includes any dialogue exchanged.
- Is the world around them set up to compliment the character as they’re introduced?
- Are there secondary characters to assist with the hook?
- Lastly, would I read more?
Finally, your sign up link. I hope to see many of you here on February 13, 2012!
Peace and Writing Love,
So, check back here on February 13, 2012 to see an excerpt from one of my upcoming sci-fi/horror shorts!